Pink Kiddens

Just Another Day in the Arms of Jesus

2005-10-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe I missed the exit. It was the second time I had done that today and I was going north on I-5 and was scared that the next point to turn around would be 17 miles out of my way. And all for birthday presents for two of my friends. I hadn’t even found any good cards for them yet and their birthdays were this weekend. Maybe I was just being emotional or maybe it was because I had gone shopping alone and it makes me kind of sad, but I was half tempted to drive back to Salem.
The sign read “Coburg, 3 miles”. Ok, I will just get off at that exit and get back on I-5 and head back toward Springfield. Heading south, though, the traffic was bumper to bumper. At this point I had the choice of either breaking down and crying or just laughing it off. I chose to laugh it off. I guess that is what I get when I ask God to go shopping with me. He really has a special way of screwing up all my plans.
I took the exit and thought that I could just get into town by taking Coburg road. Thank God I was right. And as I was driving I saw a sign that said Springfield. Screw it, I am just going home. I will shop for the boys later. But as I headed into town I saw a ShopKo. Earlier that month I had gone to one in Salem where I had found the perfect cards for David and Billy, but had opted not to get them. So I pulled in to the store.
There they were in all their glory, the cards that I wanted for the boys. Now what to get the boys for their birthday? These weren’t just any boys or else I would not have put so much time and effort into buying their gifts. These were two boys that meant a lot to me and I wanted to show that to them by purchasing them something special. So I wandered around the store and stopped at every shiny object that caught my attention when I found it. This was the Holy Grail of all blankets. Kathryn had bought one similar for the Green House last year and I had tried to steal it (I was going to give it back eventually). It was the softest blanket I had ever touched in my life and I fell in love with it. Kathryn had said she had bought it at ShopKo and so I searched for it or something similar many times before and had no success. But tonight, for some reason, God decided to bless me and there it was. The original price was forty dollars, but it was on clearance for five.
If this was not enough that I had found the perfect birthday cards for Billy and David, God KNEW the desire of my heart for this blanket and He brought it to me. Now this whole time I had been praying to find the perfect gifts for these boys. I found something great for Billy, but was stumped on what to get David. There were only two left when I came across David’s gift. It was more than I had wanted to spend on him, but I decided he was worth it. I had almost said a half prayer to God, hoping that it would be less money. As the clerk rang up my items, David’s present came up to be less than half the amount it had said on the price tag. I was overwhelmed and so grateful to God for blessing me.
I ask God to do whatever it takes to get me to where He wants me to be( I think Kathryn was the one who coined that phrase). And He showed me that today. .Funny how it took me getting completely lost to find where I needed to go all along. God leads us down roads that we would not normally take to get us to places in our lives that are better than where we thought we wanted to go. I believe that is true in every aspect of our lives. God never takes the well beaten path and He usually doesn’t tell us where we will end up, but if we trust Him then He will lead us to places far better than we could have ever imagined. God truly does have good things in store for those who love Him.
Maybe it is easy for you, but for me it is sometimes hard to trust God. It is just a matter of perspective because I focus on the circumstances instead of focusing on Jesus. Today was just another reminder that God is so trustworthy. There is a verse in Jeremiah that says “My ways are not your ways nor are My thoughts your thoughts says the Lord.” Today I said in my heart to Him that I believed He that He wanted to bless me and love on me. He is so good.
My heart is just overflowing with awe and adoration for my Jesus and what He did for me today. Jesus, thank you for knowing the desires of our hearts and letting us know your love in every aspect of our lives. You are so beautiful and so worthy. I love you so much my precious Friend. Bless those who read this and let them know how much You care for them as well. I love you.

2005-10-16T21:51:00.001-07:00

These are two good friends of mine, David and Billy.

2005-10-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

C.S. Lewis Poetry

2005-09-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

I bought a book of C.S. Lewis poetry over the summer and I decided to share two of my favorite poems thus far. Enjoy!

Nearly They Stood
Nearly they stood who fall.
Themselves, when they look back,
See always in the track
One torturing spot where all
By a possible quick swerve
Of will yet unenslaved-
By the infinitesimal twitching of a nerve-
Might have been saved.

Nearly they fell who stand.
These with cold after-fear
Look back and note how near
They grazed the Siren's land,
Wondering to think that fate,
By threads so spidery-fine,
The choice of ways so small, the event so great,
Should thus entwine.

Therefore I sometimes fear
Lest oldest fears prove true,
Lest, when no bugle blew
My mort, when skies looked clear,
I may have stepped one hairs
Breadth past the hair-breadth bourn
Which, being once crossed forever unawares,
Forbids return.

As The Ruin Falls
All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love- a scholars parrot may talk Greek-
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

The High Calling

2005-09-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

I went home last weekend and my mom had me read this. It is just a reminder of the sacrifices that we as Christians must make to follow Christ, but that there is a great reward at the end of the journey if we endure. Jesus, let these words sink into the hearts of those who read them and may they be encouraged in their walk with You. Enjoy my friends.

The High Calling
If God has called you to be really like Jesus in all
Your spirit, he will draw you into a life of crucifixion
And humility, and put on you such demands of
Obedience the he will not allow you to follow
Other Christians, and in many ways he will seem to let
Other good people do things, which he will not let you
Do. Other Christians and ministers who seem very
Religious and useful may push themselves, pull wires
And work schemes to carry out their plans, but you
Cannot do it; and if you attempt it, you will meet
With such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to
Make you sorely penitent. Others can brag on
Themselves, on their work, on their success, on
Their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow
You to do any such thing, and if you begin it, he
Will lead you into some deep mortification that
Will make you despise yourself and all your good
Works. Others will be allowed to succeed in
Making great sums of money, or having a
Legacy left to them or in having luxuries, but
God may supply you daily because he wants
You to have something far better than gold,
And that is a helpless dependence on him that
He may have the privilege of providing your
Needs day by day out of the unseen treasury.
The Lord may let others be honored and put
Forward and keep you hid away in obscurity
Because he wants you to produce some choice,
Fragrant fruit for his coming glory, which can
Only be produced in the shade.
God will let others be great, but keep you small, he
Will let others do a work for him and get the credit
For it, but he will make you work and toil on without
Knowing how much you are doing; and then, to
Make your work still more precious, he will let
Others get the credit for the work which you have
Done; this will make your reward even greater
When Jesus comes. The Holy Spirit will put a
Strict watch on you with a jealous love, and
Will rebuke you for little words and feelings or
For wasting your time, which other Christians
Never seem distressed over. So make up your
Mind that God is an infinite Sovereign, and has a
Right to do as he pleases with his own, and he
Will not explain to you a thousand things which
May puzzle your reason in his dealings with you.
God will take you at your word; and if you
Absolutely sell yourself to be his slave he will wrap
You up in jealous love and let other people say and do
Many things that you cannot do or say. Settle it
Forever that you are to deal directly with the Holy
Spirit and that he is to have the privilege of tying
Your tongue, or chaining your hand or closing your
Eyes in ways that others are not dealt with. Now when
You are so possessed with the living God that you are,
In your secre heart, pleased and delighted over this
Peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and
Management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will
Have found the vestibule of heaven.
---Author Unknown

Relationships are like cars...

2005-07-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I love you so much and I thank you for loving me and the people who are reading this. Jesus for those who are single out there I just ask that you would bring to them the men and women of God that you want them to marry. I ask that you would give them peace that you are in control and help them find you in their seasons of singleness. Let this season be an opportunity for them to do great things for You. And for those who are already married Lord I just ask that you would bless them as well. Help them become closer to you as a couple. And let them be a testament to your faithfulness and goodness to their single friends. Let those around them see You in their marriage. Thank you for your faithfulness and that You have good things in store for us. Let this message be a blessing to those who read it and may they come to know You in a more intimate way. Let them know the extent of your love Jesus. We love you so much Jesus. Amen.
My dad has always had good taste in cars. As far back as I can remember we have always had cars that were unique. So of course when I first got my driver’s license I was excited to drive the car he had for me, a 1980 300CD Mercedes Benz. For those of you who are not familiar with Mercedes cars, this was a somewhat rare two door coupe with a sunroof. It wasn’t new, but it was a Mercedes and it was mine. I loved that car and was proud to drive it. But it would not be mine forever. One day I was hit by oncoming car which ruined the front side of my Mercedes allowing it to no longer run. I was crushed. I had just got a cd player in the car and I really loved that car.
So the search was on to find another car. My dad and I were both somewhat desperate to find me something when my dad showed me an ad in the auto trader for a 1980 Mercedes 300TD (yeah so my family really enjoys driving Mercedes). So we got in the car and went to check it out. The car was a white station wagon and I fell in love with it immediately as it had the exact same interior as my old car. We took it for a test drive and as my dad drove it he noticed that it did not shift gears that well. He thought it was not a big deal and that it could be fixed. So we bought the car.
The car ended up being a lemon. My dad spent over $3,000 trying to get it to run properly. At times it ran fine, but then other times it would not start or something would go wrong. Eventually my dad realized he had to sell the car and so he put it on the market. In less than a month the car sold. Now it was time to search for another car.
I really missed having my own car and it was especially hard to not have a car in college at times. So like my dad I searched the auto trader almost everyday looking for something. At first I was only looking at Mercedes or BMWs. Then my dad started showing me some cool Volkswagons, a Nissan 300ZX, and even a Buick Riviera. I started broadening my options. I realized that I really only needed a car that was relatively inexpensive as well as one with good gas mileage. But we never really found anything that worked out. It seemed like we looked for a car for forever. I kept praying off and on about God bringing the right one into my life.
One day I was feeling frustrated after talking to my dad on the phone about cars and still not finding one. I gave the situation to God and ended up laying on my couch praying. I got a phone call and my dad called me. He said he was going to buy my neighbor’s Ford Tempo and paint it red. My heart almost failed, but I told him that was fine because it was just a car. Thank God my dad was kidding. He had found a 1991 Honda Prelude for sale in the paper. He went to check it ou and ended up buying the car. I never even dreamed about owning a Honda, but the car was perfect for me. It was a two door coupe and cherry red on the outside. It even had a sunroof and a moon roof and of course gets great gas mileage.
The reason why I tell this story is because I thinking finding a car is a lot like finding a good man (or woman). It is one of those things where if you are desperate you will end up many times making a big mistake and not paying attention to important details that may be warning signs. That is what happened with my white station wagon. We were too desperate to pay attention to the fact that the car was not running as well as it should have. I think that at times it can be easy to want to be in a relationship so badly that you go for the first person that is even remotely interested in you. And sometimes it works out to be ok, but that is not always the case.
My dad told me that when people buy a car they usually buy it based on their emotions. What he meant is that people don’t usually buy a car because it is necessarily practical as much as because they like the body style or some of the features. And I think when we look for people to be in dating relationships we do the same thing. I remember at first only looking for luxury cars when I first started looking for another car because it was an emotional decision for me. I was used to driving Mercedes (so I am or was somewhat of a car snob). But then I started realizing that I didn’t necessarily need a luxury car. It was just a car.
The reason why I point this out is not to say that you should lower your standards for the person you want to date, but rather don’t make the decision based solely on emotions. For example, if you asked me what my dream guy would look like I would say that he would be at least 6’0 tall and have big blue eyes. He would also have some natural curl in his hair and big, strong arms. But if I only dated guys that met those specific requirements then I would be missing out on a lot of great guys. Take for instance my friend Brandon. He is a really sweet and wonderful guy, but just because he is not 6’0 tall does not mean that I should overlook him.
With that in mind, I had an epiphany last night. I told God all the qualities that I wanted in a man and I realized something. I told God what I wanted, but I never really asked Him or took into consideration what He wanted. I realized that the man that I think would be perfect for me, may not necessarily be the man God thinks is perfect for me. So as I go through this bittersweet season of singleness I have been asking God to prepare and bring to me the man He wants me to have. But I did make one request of God. I asked God for only one attribute that my future husband may have and that is that he be a man after God’s own heart. David (from the Bible) was called a man after God’s own heart and that is what I want my husband to be. It doesn’t matter if he has brown eyes or blue eyes or if he is 6’5 or 5’6. I just want a man who loves the Lord with all of his heart, soul, mind, and strength. And I want the man God wants for me in His timing and not in mine.
This was not an easy revelation for me to come to. I would rather pursue the men that I think would be good for me than wait on the Lord. But I am learning to trust Jesus more and more each day. Like I said in the beginning, my dad has always had good taste in cars. And he would never let me drive something that didn’t have some sort of appeal or uniqueness about it. And I really believe that the Father is the same way. He is not going to bring to me some man who I am not even remotely attracted to. It says in Psalms, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I trust that Jesus will find a wonderful man out there for me. And believe me, having Jesus look for the man instead of me takes a lot of stress off me as well as protects me from getting my heart broken.
So for all the single people out there who sometimes long so badly for a significant other that they feel like their heart will break, I offer some hope. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Trusting Jesus is the hardest thing to do, but He is loving and He really does have our best in mind. Don’t lose hope. God knows the desires and longings of your heart. He is not ignorant nor apathetic to your pain. He is just waiting for you to trust in Him.

Crucifying the Flesh

2005-03-30T21:40:00.000-08:00

I had just gotten off the phone with my mom and I was telling her about one of the demons that constantly comes against me. I decided to get online and I looked up a prophetic website that I check out frequently. The prophetic word of the day was entitled never again. It talked about freedom in Christ and how we are a new creation and if you are feeling weary from battling your flesh and the demons that plague I highly recommend that you read this article. It was awesome. We don't have to live in the past. Thanks be to God that our identity is not in what we do because for many of us our pasts are filled with regret from stupid mistakes that we have made. I know I can attest to this in my own life. My mom called it going around the mountain instead of going up it. I see in my life today how I still make some of the same mistakes today that I did years ago. It seems that I tend to stumble in the same areas on the path of life. Going up the mountain seems impossible, but things are not always as they appear.
My friend Megan came down from Salem to visit me last year. We were deciding on an activity to do and I called up the boys at the Greenhouse. We met up with Brandon and decided to hike up Spencer's Butte. We arrived at the butte and Brandon told us that there were two options to get to the top. We could take the trail or we could hike up the side of the mountain. He told us that hiking up the side was faster and before we knew it we were hiking up the side of Spencer's Butte. Had I known what I was getting myself into I would have probably tried to kill him for even suggesting such a feat. Here were two girls in shoes with no tread and purses climbing up a mountain. And Brandon can attest that the whole way up I complained and thought I was going to fall down the butte to my death. But after many words said in anger and frustration Brandon (who has to be one of the most paitent people in the world for putting up with me) led us to the top. What a feeling of pride and relief when we were peering over the butte into the valley. I may not have appreciated the journey even when I stood at the top of the mountain, but today I do.
The thing is that going up the mountain is a lot harder than going around it. And when we are dying to flesh and ovecoming our weaknesses it feels like hell when God guides us through it. I have felt my flesh practically scream at me whenever I did not allow it to do something that it wanted to. It is awful, but God is paitent and He leads us up the mountain for a reason. He knows it is hard, Jesus can attest to this. We do not have an intercessor who is unsympathetic to our struggles. Jesus went up the mountaint as well. It was called Golgatha. He died and defeated sin and our flesh so that today we can run to His arms when we feel overwhelmed by the struggles that we face. His grace truly is sufficent for us. It is only by His strenght that we can defeat the flesh and the enemy.
As I write this to you, beloved, I think about how truly sufficent His grace is. It is only the third day of term and already I feel overwhelmed. Not only am I taking classes this term I am also working and doing an internship on top of it all. I surrender each day to the Father because I know that I cannot handle of this by myself. I am nervous and scared out of my mind about my job and my internship alone not to add the pressure of school. Everything in me wants to run away, but instead of running away I run into the arms of Jesus. He has given me peace that He will give me the strength I need to do everything that I need to this term. God truly is good and He gives us strength to overcome the flesh and to do the things He has called us to do.
Jesus, we love You so much. Precious One, thank you for the cross. Thank you for your guidance and direction throughout the day. Thank you for Your constant presence. Jesus, help us be the men and women You have called us to be. Let us radiate with your glory and love. Let the world knows us by our love for one another. Bless those who read this Lord. Bless every aspect of their lives and let them know the extent of the love the Father has for them. Help them to take that love and show it to others Lord. Answer the cry of our hearts to long for You more, to seek You and to find You. Help us love You more. We adore You, Beautiful One. Amen.

THe link to the site for the article never again is www.elijahlist.com. If the article is not on the homepage there should be a link that says view the last 20 prophetic words and you can find it there. God bless.

A series of random thoughts, of glimpes of my demons, and of the fragile hope that I hold onto

2005-03-25T22:10:00.000-08:00

I thought about something Donald Miller said when I went to the arts conference. He talked about how before the fall of man God was in constant communion with man. There was direct communcation between the Father and man. The Father spoke and man heard clearly. And when Adam and Eve sinned that direct communcation with the Father was destroyed. I remember this because Donald talked about how God would speak into man's life and give him direct guidance and direction and when sin came into the world that relationship was destroyed. Of course Jesus gave us this opportunity once again when He died on the cross, but this is something that I have been thinking about recently. I just want someone to tell me what to do. I think about my future career and I want guidance and direction in my life. And before Donald presented the idea that I just told you, I did not realize that the reason why I always want advice is because there is a place in my soul where God should be speaking directly in my life and guiding and directing me.
The last few days have been spiritually unbearable. I have longed and yearned for Jesus to the point where I thought my soul would explode within me. It is like being really thirsty and not having any water. I pine for Jesus. There are not even words to describe the longing and desire that I have for Him right now. And it makes me frustrated because I call out to Him and it just does not seem like He is listening. Of course this is not true and faith is being sure of what you hope for and CERTAIN of what you cannot see. I know when He calls He comes to me. But how my soul longs for Him. I know what David meant when he said I long for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I know this is just a random assortment of my thoughts, but one thing that I have found over the years is that NOTHING satisfies except for Jesus. Right now I would give anything to eat sugar, but there is a part of me that knows that what I need is Jesus and not food. And believe me that is a truth that I have paid a hefty price to learn.
I hate going on roller coasters with my relationship with Christ. I hate having an emotional, intimate encounter with God and then being on fire for God for awhile. Then it is like I am walking down a path and I am looking straight ahead and then something off to the side catches my eye. I tend to be distracted by shiny things. And then there is a part of me that wants to rebel. See I have been living with so many rules for long. I went to a private school and they make up all kinds of silly rules. I found safety in rules. For example, I love driving and I love following the rules when I drive. I find comfort in the fact that I follow rules. I love going the speed limit and being courteous to other drivers. I love driving and following rules. The are safe. I know that if I get in my car and follow all the rules then I will be safe. But the only problem is that other people do not like to follow the rules and because of that they can endanger me. But the point is that I have followed rules for so long and I get tired of it. It is not the rule that is important, but it is the principle behind it or at least that is my opinion. But there are times when I want to rebel. I get tired of following all these silly rules. I get tired of trying to be perfect ALL the time.
I try to figure out where these silly ideas come into my head. And this one was engrained in my head when I was younger. My dad used to yell at me all the time if my room wasn't clean or if I did not do my chores. I hate being yelled at and I hate it when people raise their voices at me. So I did everything I could to try to please my dad and I did this by trying to be perfect and follow all the rules. I was a good child as was to the best of my ability. I tried to win the favor of my dad by being perfect in and of myself. Well it did not work because I could not change myself. I did not want to get yelled at, but I had a hard time going into my room and cleaning it because I got distracted very easily. Shiny things really do distract me.
So when I came to the Father whom I love, God, I tried to do the same thing. I tried to be perfect because I did not want Him to get mad at me or punish me. And if you ever heard thunder I imagine that is very similar to what God's voice sounds like when He yells. But our Heavenly Father is not like that. And I tried and still do try to be perfect and change myself in and of my own strength. See I figure that God told us all the rules and it was up to me to come before Him and obey them and be perfect. It was as if he gave me a book containing all the rules of driving and expected me to know how to run and operate a car. But Abba is nothing like that. He says, this is what you need to do, but you can't do it in your own strength. And He takes our hand and He guides and directs us. He never leaves or lets go of our hand.

Where my problem therein lies is that I depend too much on myself to be perfect. I am a very independant person. I learned early on not to trust man. As man rejected me I ran to the arms of Jesus and came to know Him as my best friend, but along side that relationship there was a seed that was planted. This seed was a seed of pride or independance, whatever one choses to call it. I don't need people in my life. I chose to let them in, but I don't need them. I have Jesus. That being said I have become even more dependant on myself to become the woman of God that I should be. And unfortunately that means that I try to work out my own salvation instead of depending on God. There are many times when I have a hard time trusting God. I have always struggled with the idea that He has good things in store for me and that He loves me. I know the pain of carrying my cross, but I don't fully understand the resurrection and coming into the Father's presence as a good and faithful servant. I want to trust Him more than anything in this world.
Most days I feel like a diamond in the rough. I feel like I am overlooked so much that no one sees that someday I will be an amazing woman of God. But that is a silly thought, I know. It doesn't matter what people think or see me as, I know the truth and so I wait for the day when God will present me before the world as His beautiful, priceless treasure. But I know that they will trample me and never see the beauty that God has placed in me. They rejected me ever since I was little and I do not expect them to open their arms wide to embrace me. I just wanted all the people who hurt and rejected me to see just for a moment how valuable I actually am.
But see I know that it will never happen and that is ok. God showed me even when I was a child that the world would pass me over and it makes me long even more for the acceptance and approval of Christ. I am not so vain to think that I need to receive my praise from man. But it comes back to the principle I was talking about in the beginning about the direct communication with the Father. And that includes the desire to be accepted. When we establish that direct communication with the Father He is the one whom we get our praise from. We long for approval from man because we lost that from God when man fell. So instead of looking upward for fulfillment we look around and now the trend has been to look within.
One of the illustrations that Donald Miller used was the idea of Jesus standing in a circle. Jesus is saying that everything outside that circle is broken and has fallen, but if we come to Him, if we step inside that circle and marry Him we can be made whole.
Today is Good Friday and as I sit here and think about it, I really think of it as just another day. It disheartens me that I do not fully understand the significance of this day and what Christ did on the cross. I have heard the message of the cross a thousand times and I think that somewhere along the way I forgot to listen with my heart. I am not saying that I am not grateful for what He did for me, but rather that I long to know the nail pierced hands that were scarred for me. I long to kiss the head once crowned with thorns. I long to embrace and understand the cross and the blood of the lamb. Beloved, I believe that we do not fully understand the power of the blood of the lamb and the victorious lifestyle that we have access to in His name. He did not just save us from sin, but also from DEATH. And we know that sin produces death. The point I wish to illustrate here is that we constantly struggle with these desires and longings that lead to death and Christ has freed us from those. Not to say that He has freed us from ever having these longings or desires, but He overcame the world. He said fear not my little ones for I have overcome the world. He has given us power to overcome our flesh and the death that it perpetually spins toward.
I want to live in victory. I am tired of being lead from lust to lust, fulfilling the desires of the flesh. Victory is mine and the battle is the Lords. As I said before this is a somewhat random blog, but right now I want to pray with you. Lord Jesus, we come before You and I thank-you for the cross. I thank-you for Your precious life and the blood that You spilled for us. I just ask that you would break any strongholds that the enemy has in our lives. Help us embrace the cross and what You did for us. We chose to live in victory and I plead Your blood over us and I ask for freedom. Unveil our eyes so that we might understand what You did for us on the cross and the power of Your precious blood. We love you, amen.
So that is enough of my soul for one evening. I love you so much and I pray that the Father would embrace you and that you would feel the extent of His love for you as you go forth this day.

Poem

2005-03-24T23:03:00.000-08:00

Since I have not posted on my blog for awhile (according to David) I thought that to start off I would allow you all to read one of my poems. I wrote this in high school and like almost all of my poetry it is unconventional and titleless.

Sparks of copper
shatter the darkness,
the whole world
is transformed into
a glowing ball
of light.

The sound of
a trumpet breaks
the sound barrier,
a gold box
is opened and
red specks fall
upon the earth.

Plague and disease
silence the cries
of the ill,
the aroma of
death fills the
air.

Jesus is kneeling
before the throne
of God on
behalf of the
saints, tears of
blood stain His
white robe.

God places His
right hand on
His Son's shoulder,
"You will come
to relieve them
soon, Holy Spirit,
go out and
give the saints
my peace and joy."

He removes His
right hand from
His Son's shoulder
and covers the
saints with it.

Thanks Guys

2005-02-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone who came to my suprise birthday party. Although I did not have the chance to talk to everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that this is the best birthday I ever had and I felt priveleged to share it with my Chi Alpha Family. I really love you guys a lot. Thanks for loving me well.

Grandpa

2005-02-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

Today is a very special person in my life's birthday. My grandpa was born today and so in honor of him I am going to write about him on my blogspot. My grandparents used to live in a little town in Eastern Oregon called Condon. It is about two hours away from the Columbia Gorge. Because it is about four hours away from my house in Salem my family and I would only go up there a couple times a year. My grandpa was in his late eighties when I first realized how cool he was. Whenever we would go to visit I would always hang out with him. He would always tell me stories about when he was younger. My grandpa was a cowboy and he was a very hard worker. He used to help with cattle drives and tamed broncos. He had a dog named Jack who was part black lab. The dog belonged to my cousin and was supposed to be a cattle dog, but my grandpa spoiled it too much and it soon became his best friend. That dog went everywhere with my grandpa.
My grandpa always wore a cowboy hat and chewed tobacco. Every morning for breakfast he would have wheaties and coffee. When he was done with his coffee he would give the rest to Jack. My grandpa would always show me the treasures he had in his garage. He had helped people move to different houses and in return they would give him stuff. He had a purse and an old make up compact that he had from moving someone and he gave them to me. My grandpa had this ring that he wore all the time. It was made of fossils and although it looked worn down it was still really cool. He gave that to me one time when I was up there visiting him. Because he was older he would tell me the same stories over and over again. One time I think he forgot that I was his granddaughter. But I loved to sit and listen to his stories. He was a really cool person.
My Grandpa died about three years ago on Christmas Eve. I was fortunate enough to be on Christmas break when he had a stroke and was taken to the hospital in Heppner, a town about an hour or so away from Condon. When he was admitted to the hospital my dad and I went up to see him. The doctor did not think that he would make it through the night. My dad and I ended up staying with him for a few days. He could not talk and just laid on the bed hooked up to different tubes to keep him alive. Apparently he caught phnemonia and he was not doing well. I remember sitting by his bed just being there with him. I remember leaving his room one time and kissing him on the forehead and telling him that I loved him. I did not know if he was a christian or not and one day my dad left the room for a moment and I sat by my grandpa and read to him the 23rd psalm and prayed with him for his salvation. He ended up dying a few days later.
I felt privelaged to have such a special person be my grandpa. I had hoped that someday my husband would be able to meet him, but that will never happen. So I wanted to take a moment out of my day to remember him on his birthday. I am not sure if they celebrate birthdays in heaven, but I asked Jesus to give my grandpa a big hug for me. After I hug Jesus when I come home I am going to give my grandpa a big hug. Happy Birthday Grandpa. I love you and miss you.

Ocean

2005-01-31T15:40:00.000-08:00

This last weekend I went to the Coast with my family. I love walking on the beach, but unfortunately the day that we went it was really nasty outside so we could not go on the beach. I had been looking forward to that weekend for awhile. I was under so much stress with school and my relationships. I just wanted to get away from everything. We left on Sunday and I ended up sitting in our hotel room watching the waves tickle the shoreline. As far as I could see there was the ocean. And as I sat there I thought about how powerful the ocean is and how it could easily encompass the land and everyone would die. But God told the ocean exactly where to stop. The waves only come up so far onto the shore before they retreat back into the ocean. As I was watching this I thought about how powerful God is. He had the ability to create this mass of water and all the living organisms in it. I was in awe of God and I felt privelaged that I was able to know the Creator of the Universe. I was grateful to Jesus for dying for me so that I could have a relationship with God. I could not imagine what it would feel like to see the ocean in all its majesty and not know the One who established it.
I kept on dwelling on God and His goodness and it was wonderful. It is funny how God displaying His power in nature can heal a broken heart and give strength to the weary. As I was watching all this I started thinking about Satan. I thought about how he had stolen so many things from my life and how I had let him walk in and just take these things. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy and I saw how he was doing this in many areas of my life. I was tired of getting pushed around by the enemy. In those moments that I spent with the Lord I knew in my heart that the enemy was powerful and I was not. But that Christ in me could overcome the enemy. Jesus already defeated Satan at the cross and the victory is mine in EVERY aspect of my life. I am tired of being attacked by the enemy and not standing up to him. I might have fought a little, but too many areas in my life I allowed the enemy to win. I am saying all of this to make a bold statement. I am not afraid anymore. I am tired of living in fear and tired of living in defeat. I am standing on the Word of God. I am going to pray prayers that break the chains of bondage on the nations. I am going to tear down strongholds that the enemy has in my life and in the lives of others. All this I will accomplish in the name of Jesus and for His glory. I will be the woman that He has called me to be, a woman of God. An intercessor and a prayer warrior.
I know that the Church has let the enemy steal so much from it. And today is the day of victory. It is the day to rampage the pits of Hell and take back what the enemy stole from us. We will no longer walk in defeat. Our loved ones will be saved, the lost will know Christ, and the enemy will no longer use our failures and fears to stop us from advancing the kingdom of God.
I don't know about you, but I am tired of being pushed around by an enemy who has already lost.
My friend Carmen, a woman of God, once told me that the Lord showed her what a christian looks like in the spirit realm compared to a demon. And here in the spirit realm a christian is fully armored and stands tall and strong. The enemy looks tiny in comparison as if he were no threat at all. So I keep this picture in my mind and I stand on the promise that greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world.

Arms of Love

2005-01-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

I went to see the movie the Village with my friends Chelsea and David last year. I hate scary movies, but I went so I could spend some quality time with my friends. I was freaked out even before the movie started and my friend David made the unfortunate, almost deadly, mistake of sitting next to me in the theater. Suffice to say he had never seen a movie with me or else he would have made Chelsea sit in the middle.
The prospect of an unknown, evil creature wandering around a village frightened me and it was nice that my friend David was right there in case I got scared. Of course I about jumped out of my seat at every scary part of the movie. Unfortunately for David, I also unexpextedly tried to grab his hand. This would not have been a problem had he not had his hand close to his mouth and had I not contorted his arm in ways similar to aikido moves. After the first contortion of his hand he made a wise decision and placed his hand on his leg in case there was another outbreak of fear.
But when I took David's hand I felt safe. For those of you who do not know David he is 6'4 and is very strong. I imagine that not a lot of things scare him or can hurt him. As long as he was near nothing could hurt me because he would protect me.
I have never seen Jesus although I beg Him everyday to just allow me to hug Him. After watching that scary movie with my friends I heard of something that was even more frightening. The thought of not spending time with God everyday. I had asked my sister and mom during Christmas Break if they spent time with God everyday and their answers were that they did not always do so.
I do not relate this so that I can judge my mother and sister, but rather because to me not spending time with Jesus is worse than watching a scary movie. If Jesus were in physical form with my everyday I imagine Him being big and strong like my friend David. My friend David was there with me to protect me during all the scary parts of the movie. And my Jesus is with me throughout the day to protect me and hold my hand. He gives me the strength I need to get through each day. Nothing can make my Jesus stop loving me or nothing is so great or powerful in my life that Jesus cannot have control over it.
In many aspects my faith is like that of a child's. And the one vision of Jesus that I hold onto dearly is one of His big, strong arms wrapped around me. The closest thing I have to knowing how that is in the physical realm is by hugging my friend David. One day I told him that when I hugged him it was like hugging Jesus. At least once a day I ask Jesus to hold me. I love crawling up into His arms and I know that He loves it when his little girl comes to just be with Him.
His loving arms are such a comfort to me. The other day I was longing so badly for Him. I went into my room and read the Word and begged Him to hold me. I knew He was there. When doubt tried to invade my heart I knew that He was there because it was as though He stood near my bedside and if I was quiet enough I could hear his breath. Later that night I went into my room again and was listening to a song by Hillsong. The chorus goes, "so close I believe you're holding me now in your arms I belong, you'll never let me go." I started breaking down and crying and the only word that I could muster up was the name of Jesus. I layed upon my floor with tears flooding my face crying out His name.
The only thing that gets me through the day sometimes is the knowledge of Jesus holding me in His arms. It is something that I am beginning to look forward to each day. One of my friends, I believe it was Justin, told me once that he hoped to die after I did because he knew that when I got to Heaven I would give Jesus an "Ashley hug" and probably never let go of Him. But if you know me you know that I get excited around people and to be perfectly honest I cannot wait until Heaven to hug Him. So I search on earth looking for my Jesus and pleading with Him to see His face. I do not need to hug Him in order to believe Him for I know that He exists despite the fact that I have never seen Him. But when I do find Him I am going to do exaclty what my friend Justin thought I would and when I hug Him I will never let Him go.

Words

2005-01-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

Once I start pouring out my thoughts it seems as though I cannot stop. I would much rather write to an audience so at least maybe someone can be encouraged or challenged by what I have to say.
Today as I was walking to school I thought about words. I thought about how our speech has the power to bring life or death. Recently I discovered how deadly a weapon the tongue truly is.
I never meant to hurt him. It was completely an accident. If you knew me then you would know how much I adore people and I love to love them. But this was not an act of love. I knew something personal about him and while he never said it was a secret I knew to keep my mouth shut. But after awhile it started to become a burden on me. I began to see how it was affecting other people that I loved. I saw how it was hurting them.
I talked about it with a few people. I am not going to downplay the seriousness of the matter. I gossiped. I did not control my tongue and told a few people about what had happened. If anything it was more to get advice as what I should do. I saw the hurt and pain that it would cause some of my friends in the future. I did not want anyone to get hurt. And I knew these people could keep a secret. I assured them that I did not tell secrets and that I was a trustworthy person. I still think that I am.
That is the thing with gossip and telling secrets. They never keep hidden for long. The next thing I knew David was standing in my kitchen telling me about how gossip was bad. I was fighting back tears, but he didn't know. I don't try to hurt people, but sometimes it just happens. And I didn't want David to look down on me because of what I had done. I wanted his respect. I still can hardly look him in the eye.
I destroyed a relationship with a friend because I could not keep my mouth shut. The wounds that the tongue can bring are not healed by the band-aid of an I am sorry. I learned that too soon. I did feel sorry. It was not because I was in trouble. It was because God put His thumb on an issue in my life as Kathryn would say. God must have really big thumbs because it really hurt.
It made me think of the time when my cat relieved herself in my parent's bedroom. When my mom found out she was livid. She grabbed the cat by her neck, rubbed the cat's nose in the urine, and threw her outside. The cat did not come inside for a whole day. And when she was finally let in again she would cower and avoid my mother. She was scared of my mom because my mom had punished her.
I knew how the cat felt over Christmas break. I lowered my head in the presence of God. I was scared of him and ashamed of myself. He was so pure and perfect and I was dirty. It was enough to make me realize the error of my ways. But God has a funny way of bringing these things to our attention. I found a book at home by Joyce Meyer. God must have had me in mind when He gave her the title because, as I told David, it was named after me. "Me and My Big Mouth" was the name of the book. I looked up at God and said yeah I get the point.
When I skimmed through the pages I learned about gossip. I discovered that it poison people's souls. It taints our images of other people. At that moment I remembered people that I had heard gossip about. I realized that it did mar my view of them in some respect. I recalled countless tales of how people told me of when someone had not loved them well and it made me mad. And I did not like these people for what they had done to others that I loved.
I wish I could say that everything worked out between my friend and I, but that has not happened. I told my friend I was sorry, but sorry does not cover betrayal. With my tongue I inflicted a wound on my friend that may take some time to heal and so I reap the repurcussions of my actions.
The good news is that the tongue can also bring life as well. When God created the Universe He did not use His hands or the angels to construct the world. All He needed to do was speak. It was the Word of God that created the Universe. There is power in words. And so as I walked to campus today I thought about that. I thought about how much God loves me and all I have to do is ask of Him and He will take care of my requests.
I have started praying for specific people and places again. One place that is dear to my heart is Europe. Ever since I was a little girl I was fascinated with England especially. No one knows this, but when I went to Europe a few years back I cried when my plane landed in London. I knew how much God loved these people and I loved them so much as well. When I pray for Europe I ask for revival and salvation to come upon those people. And the amazing part about it is that God hears me and will take care of these people. All I had to do was ask.
Marnee and Stefanie are the most beautiful people in the world to me. I love them more than anything on this earth and I feel priveleged that God as allowed me to be able to reflect God's love to them. But there are times when I want to help them and I can't so I pray for them. It is hard to believe that with a few words God can do miracles, but I have to believe this. I have to believe that God is who He says He is and that He will answer my prayers even when I cannot see Him doing so.
There is an unseen power in words. Both the power to bring life and the power to bring death. I wish I could say that I have used my words for more good than for bad, but then that would be untrue. I am sarcastic and I can be mean if the occasion arises. I have said more things to hurt than I have to bring healing. I have gossiped more than I have prayed. And yet another word comes to mind and behind it is a power so great that I can barely comprehend it. Grace.

The Key to God's Heart

2005-01-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

David was the first one to lose his keys. It happened after church one day. We all were sitting around talking when David was getting ready to leave so he could go to the store. He went out to his car and realized he did not have his keys. He looked everywhere for them and figured they were in the sanctuary. A church service was being held at that time so he could not just walk in and retrieve them. After the service he went in looking for them. I doubt he remembers this, but I asked him if he had prayed to find his keys. Whether or not he had done so I cannot remember. But I do remember saying a quick prayer for him and sure enough he found his keys.
Marnee lost her keys at the Camp Davidson work retreat. We searched everywhere for them. I told her that we would find them and I prayed. At that time Billy was looking for her keys as well when he somehow remembered that she had been at the basketball court last night. He went there and sure enough he found her keys. I remember hugging Marnee and probably saying something to the extent of affirming God's hand in the process.
The other day Alisha lost her keys and was searching frantically for them. She was running late and upon watching her tear the house apart I asked what she was looking for. I prayed. The first place I looked was in the couch near the table and sure enough they were there.
While I am a great resource if you ever lose your keys, that is not the point of the story. When Alisha lost her keys the other day I started thinking about all these stories. I realized that God cares about the small things. To the Creator of the Universe what does it matter that someone cannot find their keys? It matters a lot. I saw in these three examples how God knows what we need. He knew the needs at those times and provided. All I had to do was ask. What a loving Father we serve that He would care even to help us with some small task such as finding our keys.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I had never met Jesus. I know I would probably be wearing two different color socks if any at all and I would be lucky if I knew where anything was. In other words, I tend to lose things like none other. And when I put on my mascara in the morning or I can't find a sock I ask God to help me. Just the other day I could not find the hair dryer for the life of me. I prayed and God finallly led me to where it was.
Maybe to you these seem like trivial things. God has done greater miracles than help someone find their keys or a pair of socks. This is the same God who called out into the darkness and by His words alone created the Universe. But I find in my friendship with Christ that He is not as concerned about the big things, but rather the small things. Just like He tells us to be faithful in the small things He is faithful in the small, intricate tasks of our lives. Sure my God can move mountains. Sure He can heal the sick and raise the dead. And I love and respect Him for all of this, but today I just need His help finding my keys.

A New Year's Eve Gift

2005-01-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

For New Year's Eve I went to a Winter Hawks game up in Portland with some friends. These boys above are getting into a fight. Unfortunately no really good fights broke out.

When I started this blog spot I had meant for it to be a way for my friends from high school to see what I do down here in college. Upon further reflection of this purpose I decided that I wanted to reflect a side of me that is unfortunately rarely seen, the melancholy side. I want this site to be a place for me to reflect my thoughts and share about what God is doing in my life. With that said I would like to tell another story.
Before leaving for Christmas Break I went over to my friend David's house for some reason that has slipped my memory. We ended up talking and he prayed over me. He said that Jesus had a Christmas present for me and that it would not be something that my parents give me. So I left for break bewildered at why Jesus would want to give me something on His birthday.
In order for you to understand the significance of the next part of this story we need to go back about five years. My mom and I go for walks near my house and this is a time for us to talk and bond with each other. One time my mom told me the story of how one of her friends goes on runs and how she needed to know that God was in control of her life at that time. She asked God to let her find a coin to show her that He was with her. Now this may seem like a small feat for such a powerful God, but she had never found money on her runs before. Sure enough God answered her request.
This story encouraged my mother and I and God uses the same sign for both of us. It is just a symbol of the fact that He is in control. Case in point, over break I was really worried about how I was going to pay for college this term. I do not have a job and have been searching for one without any luck. As I was worrying about this I went to Wal-mart with my mom and walking through the parking lot I found a dollar! Usually I just find a penny or a small coin of that sort. Now this did not mean that God was giving me this dollar to help me pay for college or that this is God's way of providing for me financially. It is just His way of saying, "Ashley I am in control. You don't have to worry."
With that said, let us go back to New Year's Eve. After the game, my friends and I went to a Jack in the Box on the way home. As we walked into the establishment I found three pennies. We ordered milkshakes and were standing near the counter waiting for our drinks. The place was pretty empty as it was New Years Eve, but soon a man walked in who looked as though he might be homeless. He had dark hair and a beard and was wearing a Subaru jacket. He started being friendly and made small talk with my friends. We eventually sat down together and I saw him sitting alone in a corner eating. He approached my friends and I and asked me if I collected coins. I told him that I did. He then proceeded to tell me that he had something for me. He opened his wallet and pulled out an Indian head nickel and coin. He asked me if I knew what these were and explained to me how they were old coins. He told me to take care of them and repeatedly said to me God love you.
At that moment I thought I was going to cry. My relationship with Jesus has been highlighted with some pretty amazing experiences, but this was personal. Only God knew the significance of these coins to me. There was no way I could doubt that it was not from Him. Ironically before the man came over I thought about my financial situation and then I gave it to God and asked Him to take care of it.
I have been a christian ever since I can remember and because I attended a private christian school all my life I knew my Bible pretty well. I knew that God knows the desires of our hearts and that He is our Father and that He wants to bless us, but I guess I only knew it as head knowledge and not heart knowledge. It is those little moments when the Creator of the Universe shows me that He truly does know everything about me that make me stand in awe of Him.

2005-01-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

Holding her favorite friend, my amazing Grandma poses for me at her house in Keizer. The dog, Rhuegard, is a Yorkie Terrier.

Pink Kiddens?...They do exist!

2005-01-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

So most who see the title of this may walk away bewildered at what a pink kidden really is. I decided to name my spot this because of my friends Brandon, Kathryn, Tommy, and David. Kathryn loves the color pink because she is a super cool sanguine and she started getting me hooked on it. The boys, Tommy especially, were the first to become aware of my passion for cats.These same boys always kid me because when I try to pronounce two t's it often sounds like I am saying the letter d. Hence when I would say kitten it sounded more like kidden. David says its cute, but I just roll my eyes at him. Therefore a pink kidden is a pink kitten. I did some research on the pink kidden and found that they do actually exist. In the book the Magic of Oz by Lyman Frank Baum there is a pink kidden!
"Dorothy left him and went to her room, where she sat down and tried to think hard. A Pink Kitten was curled up on the window-sill and Dorothy asked her:

'What can I give Ozma for her birthday present?'

'Oh, give her some milk,' replied the Pink Kitten; 'that`s the nicest thing I know of.' "

And so there you have it. The history of the pink kidden. Who knew?

Hoobergabbers and Hippies

2005-01-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

So I decided to start blogging because my super cool friends Brandon and David do it and because I like to tell funny stories. I wanted to keep my high school friends (Jen and Linds) updated on all the crazy hippy things I do. So to end on a high note or it may seem as a low note to some, I have a story. So when I came back to Eugene after Christmas break I went and saw my good friends Tommy and Brandon. As I knocked on the door of their house, Tommy peered from the corner and quickly left to get Brandon. I entered the house behind Tommy who was suddenly hit by a flying object from around a corner. Low and behold Brandon had hidden and was shooting a fly killer (any further inquiries on this can be directed towards Tommy). The boys preceded to hit me a few times with the object and then Tommy hit Brandon in the hoobergabber( this is my cool roommate Alisha's word for male anatomy, and yes this is the technical term). Brandon let out a cry of pain and Tommy realizing what he had done allowed Brandon to hit him in the hoobergabber. Then Tommy looked at me and commented to Brandon, "Too bad she doesn't have balls." Brandon's reply was, "but she has boobs" and I was then hit in the boob with a flying object.